Leaf

We are living in a world where everything bears a significance to the existence of its counterpart. That the absence of one would make the other unknown or even non-existent.

Light; it is an aspect or view, a mental vision, an electromagnetic radiation by which things are visible, to become cheerful. Dark; sinister, gloomy sad, night, a period of ignorance or barbarism.  To make it simpler, dark is the absence of light and light is to make less dark.*

I guess I can’t escape this kind of writing. I’ll try to make a detour but I don’t know if I can.

I believe, that most of the people moving around this planet, has a part in their life which they could relatively call as the dark. This dark, however will not be recognized as such, if they haven’t experienced light. One night, I was staring at a tree with a light post near it. There were some part illuminated and some were not. I thought, if all the parts of the tree was illuminated with maximum brightness including everything that my eyes could see, would I  had been able to recognize that there was light? Would I know the existence of the dark? I’m afraid, no. Those un-illuminated part of the tree, brought the focus of my eyes to the illuminated ones. What I’m trying to say is, only with the dark can we recognize the light.

You may disagree, but I still believe it’s true. How can we recognize light if dark doesn’t even exist?  How can we recognize there is a graceful God if everything we see is light? Of course this doesn’t apply to those who already recognizes light. But notice, every now and then, there will always be a time, that would make us think we are in the dark. I think that’s to remind us, to recognize the power of the light.

Honestly, right now I’m wondering how am I able to say these things. When I myself can’t even recognize the light, the fact that I’m already in the farthest dark corner of the abyss. I’m still searching. I found two ways, but I think it won’t work. And then I thought of the third one.

In a quest to find an answer in unlocking the chain which kept me from straying away from the dark,  a light in the past was made dark in order to find the light that has long been shadowed by that deceptive fake light. And to bring that light’s existence to the deepest corner of memory is not an easy task. Nevertheless, I should still take all the courage and strength I could and master my own self, in order to shed light in my life, and ultimately, prove to myself that there still exist one person that values and care for my existence…I myself.

I’m afraid this didn’t even worked as I expected. I still can’t find the light. And now I’m left staring to the depths of my thoughts and fear what I’m capable of.

“…never ever limit
yourself when it comes to happiness; learn how to let go and move
on.”*

“Sometimes things
could really be better in saying goodbye.”*

      These were some of
the text messages I received from high school classmates on the first
night of July. I often received messages like these before, but for
some unknown reason these struck me. The morning after, I decided to
move on; and days after I actualized it, I made the hardest and most
painful decision in my entire life.

      Ever since I long for
someone who’ll be with me through pain, laughter and joy, and do
all the weirdest and craziest things we can think of: lift each other
up when we’re down, encourage each other to be excellent in
everything we do; who can earn my trust and have his trust, who’ll
hit me whenever I’m out of my mind and whose face will taste the
strength of my fist if he’s also out of his senses – one whom I
can show my own self without prejudice and same to him, one whom I
can lead to greater heights, one whom I can make feel, and can also
make me feel, the significance of our existence in this world, and,
in C.S. Lewis’ words, the one who will walk with me side by side
along this journey of life with eyes looking ahead – my best
friend¹.

        I’ve been searching
for this person for a long time. Though I know that there are a lot
of friends or may be best friends I have met in this life. None of
them really fits of being that person. During my elementary days, I
had a best friend whom I shared the same interest – anime.  In high
school, I had a close friend but we were teased to each other, making
it last not for long. Then there were my friends in the duellist club
whom I had a pact that five years after our graduation, we would play
cards again – that’s a year from now. In my college years in USM,
I gained friends who didn’t really have any common interest with
me. It’s the first group of people, with different backgrounds and
interest, which made me feel I belonged – it’s weird, they called
me “genius”; while writing this,
I think I had some good memories back then. Thanks to these guys… I
know my life before has been meaningful. And when I entered UP… my
life was crushed.

        It was only during my
first year here that I highlighted the quest of my life. That’s the
start of my fall; I was too pre-occupied in the idea of it that I
started to be fully swallowed by my fabricated world² –
for it is in that place that he exists. This “searching” had
blocked my sight which lead me to a path I was not suppose to take.
I lost my right path and am now wandering in the darkness of ‘no
return’. But a bit of light had shine to my eyes.

A twig catches the
leaf in its fall…

Made it feel that
there’s still hope…

Made it feel the
feelings it had been longing for…

The leaf felt its
existence in the hands of the twig…

But it never lasted
that long…

The leaf was again in
the brink of falling down.

I was so close yet it
was so far. Maybe I was searching for the wrong one³. The
search ends here now.

My friend that never
was will never be.

He doesn’t exist and
will never exist.

As I bid goodbye to
this long time quest,

Which shall not be
considered a loss,

Rather a great victory
over a great giant.

Though it pains so
much that I felt such emptiness…

May better things
happen to the days ahead of me…

Goodbye.

______________
*from
text messages of robby and emy respectively
¹ I don’t know what to call it: best buddy, close best friend, true
buddy best friend, etc.
²
I think I’m in a never ending quest for the reasons behind my
fabricated world:>
³
Maybe I should search for the one who would be face to face with
me… hehe

Why did the leaf fall from the tree?

Was it because of the wind that blew
it away…?

Or of the tree which let it went…?

Or of the leaf itself which never
held tight..?*

But whatever the reason behind this
phenomenon…one sure thing was it happened for a reason and maybe
for a purpose.

Maybe it’s destined to happen…or
maybe not.

Or maybe he realized he’s not a
leaf…

Or maybe he realized he didn’t
belong to that tree.

What was bound to happen would
happen.

What was meant to fall would fall.

And what was designed to live and
fight would live and fight.

But we humans had the greatest gift
that no other creatures had – the freedom to choose our own
path…our own destiny.

___________________
*taken
from a text message

“When we define our happiness by
some point in the future, it will never arrive. We’ll keep waiting
for tomorrow. If we allow impatience to govern us, we will miss the
gift of the moment. We’ll arrive at that point in time we expected
to provide fulfilment and find it lacking” –
Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye

Since I was a child I
was never satisfied with where I was. At 10, I was curious of what
would the feeling be if I was already two years older. Since then I
started imagining (more likely daydreaming) of what I would be if
that day came, hoping that on that day I’d be happy. But, contrary
to what I expected, there’s nothing special of being twelve. I
didn’t even notice that that day had passed, for I was already
thinking of being fifteen, then 18, 20 and so on. It’s sad to think
that I let myself missed the gift of enjoying those days. I had never
lived in the world where I lived… for my mind and soul lived in the
world that would and will never exist.

Impatience
of daydreaming my future had dragged me down to the abyss. If there’s
really one thing that I wanted to do, it was to change those times
that I had been impatient – so that I could say that I had fully
enjoyed this gift of Life. But, there’s nothing that I could do
about the past; ‘things happen for a reason and we choose our own
destiny.’ Sad to say, I had chosen my life to be this way. There
were a lot more impatience-driven mistakes that I had done in my life
that haunted – and continue to haunt – me today. I think all
people also experience this. The only option I have now is to accept
it and move on.

Those
times may be painful, but somehow, I know that I had also felt
happiness. Though it was not to the fullest, it was acceptable enough
for me to be content to live in the world that I chose.

The original content of this space was deleted. For the simplest reason that the words i had written doesn’t seem to agree with my life now. I guess I made a big mistake of writing it prematurely. If you had read it, you may have asked yourself if it was true, though i can say its 100% true…I still cant accept it…

another turning point of my life…

…it’s hard, the fact that i’m an indecisive person, i don’t know what to do. Too many choices, and i still can’t decide. Something’s holding me back…but will that be beneficial to me, i don’t know…

..got to to start again…but where? start from scratch? but where’s that point?

..i need to grow…

..start a new file, make changes in my life and i mean great changes.. need to let go of things which I really dont enjoy that much…and start doing things i really like…

..can’t keep my other commitments anymore. If it would make my life meaningful, then i won’t take a hold of it… I also need to MOVE ON…

rest assured, i won’t give up my top 3 commitments…

…

posted: september 19, 2007

updated: september 15,2007

(first posted: december 2, 2006)

 

"heto yung laman ng dating profile ko!..wala ako iba mapaglagyan eh..xenxa na..just to remind me..that I once said this…

life is complicated..it holds a lot of mysteries which one can unfold if he is able to open his eyes to reality…
we humans tend to create our own reality and forget that that reality that we created is a lie….we have given ourselves ideals that is totally opposite to reality…why do we keep on making our reality…is it because we are scared to face the truth?…why do we have to lie to ourselves??….
the world i live in today is a BIG LIE……-= si mac rolly  author neto=-…

sa ngayon gusto ko nang mabuhay sa totoong mundo..i want to deal life seriously but in a happy way nyehehe..im tired of living in the world which I created..where I am perfect, everything is perfect..perfect in my perception..all my frustrations were answered..a fabricated world leaving reality behind..and im afraid that by the moment I would go back to reality…its already too late..and I dont want that to happen, time to end this..its time to fight the battle in the real world…and with Him..I know I can WIN…

I CAN DO EVERYTHING THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH…Philippians 4:13"

…i dont know what happened but its almost a year since i posted this, but i’m still stuck in my world…its a sad truth but it’s reality. Am i going to live life this way? or will i be victorious? still searching for answers…

…i grasped harder, but i’m still being pushed back…i’m letting go..can’t hold on anymore…i guess this is my fate…

…problems arises and i dont know where to go but to my
world…why am i being pulled back to my prison cell again? the fact that freedom has already been won?

…am i going to go through such cycles of ups and downs forever? if so, why are there more downs than ups? and why can’t i taste victory that much? am i that strong enough to stand under these circumstances?

…i dont know…but of what i feel is..i have already let go…and started to live
in the darkness again…

…victory, where is it?

…pain

…problems

…realization

…victory

…freedom

…opened eyes

…second blow

…still in the darkness

…pressure

…sadness

…silence

…self pity

…solitude

..seclusion

…fate..destiny..

..what’s next?

                                          

      
      
       
         

Kristjan, you’re a Type 5 - The Experimenter
       
      
   

   
 

Friends, family, and colleagues probably appreciate your probing
intelligence and open-minded approach to life. They’re also apt to know
that when they come to you with a problem, you can be counted on to
give them a carefully considered answer based on keen observations. As
an Experimenter, you’re likely to be seen as a capable and competent
individual with a visionary outlook.

Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Renowned painter
Georgia O’Keefe, with her reclusive nature and intense focus on her
craft, and Albert Einstein, with his groundbreaking theorems and
unprecedented view of the space-time continuum, were also Type 5s.

This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a
strong sense of perception as well as a curious and innovative mind. In
fact, like many Experimenters, you have a strong drive to understand
how things work.

"Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that’s where you renew your springs that never dry up." — Pearl Buck

       As a Type 5, The Experimenter, your time alone can be precious to you. Not only is solitude a necessary condition for your best thinking, but it also allows you the freedom to get lost in your own thoughts. Having time to yourself and the luxury to explore your own interests can be the things that make your life feel balanced and right. At times, you may even find that you choose books and study over socializing and relationships. The world of ideas can fascinate you.

     Because you possess a higher level of curiosity than most people do, you may sometimes feel overwhelmed by your need to understand how things work. This inquisitive nature contributes greatly to your intelligence and ability to solve tough problems. However, occasionally you may become so focused that you neglect the people you care about. Try to remember that family and friends have something to teach you as well; they can be as engaging and interesting as any book. Try harnessing your curiosity to focus it on select projects. That way you’ll be freer to connect with others. Once you’re out of your shell, you may even become a well-regarded leader. By combining your intellect, skills, and personal interests with a focus on others, almost anything is possible.

             Like everyone, to some extent your personality has been shaped by past experiences. One reason you may identify with Experimenters, Enneagram Type 5, is because you felt that others intruded on your personal space as a child. Having formative experiences when your privacy was violated or disrespected may have caused you to become more guarded about your personal space during adulthood, whether the space you guard is physical or emotional.

How my attitude works for( or againts) me?

    When you’re feeling your best, you probably feel both intellectually
energized and truly available to the people around you. At such times,
you may come to the realization that you don’t need to rely solely on
yourself; you can gain nurturing and love from other people. In this
more open and receptive state, you more easily reach your full
potential. You can also become a knowledgeable and trustworthy
confidant who others can look to for guidance.

       However, you aren’t likely to be at your best every day. During the
times when you’re feeling your worst, you may have a tendency to horde
your knowledge and private time, fearing that others will sap your
energy. Withholding yourself from the people you care about can cause
you to judge yourself harshly. You may even begin to see yourself as
inadequate and lacking energy. Know that this downward spiral is caused
by a belief that the world demands more from you than it gives back.
You’re probably convinced that your resources of time and knowledge are
scarce. By possessing such a worldview, you’re apt to avoid having much
close contact with people. You may even attempt to be completely
self-sufficient.

       How can you avoid feeling your worst and start feeling your best? Above
all, try to stay connected with the people who come into your life by
sharing more of yourself with them. Letting others in on your inner
thoughts and emotions can create really unique bonds with those you
care about. In addition, experiment with allowing yourself to be around
more people in general. You’ll likely find that getting to know others’
unique perspectives can be a really engaging way to spend your time.
Also consider spending some more time engaging in physical activity.
Such pursuits can counterbalance your usual intellectual focus.

February 1, 2007 - my most memorable walk in my life…pls read this post above all my previous post…thank you^^.(don’t mind the grammar)

    On the 1st day of february…i made my greatest walk. Kadalasan, nilalakad ko ang library papuntang math building nang walang "sense". I mean wala siyang value para sa akin. Habang naglalakad ako (mga almost 1 km siguro ang distance), naisip kong gawing meaningful naman ang paglalakad ko..kaya sinabi ko kay Lord, makikipagkuwentuhan na lang ako sa kanya. Sa pakikipag-kuwentuhan ko sa kanya, bigla na lang akong nakaramdam na parang ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko…nakaramdam ako ng kapayapaan sa isipan ko. Nagustuhan ko talaga ang pakikipagkuwentuhan ko sa Kanya.

    Habang naglalakad, naisip ko na parang ganun ang buhay natin. If we let God enter our life, then life would be meaningful. Just like in my walking routine, walking without Him has no much value. Yeah, I still manage to reach my destination…but I can’t feel the fulfillment when I have Him. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every little things you has the same value as the "life-threatening" things you do. I mean, wow ang saya ng buhay ‘pag ganun!

       I also realized that just like life, maraming distractions na dadaan sa buhay mo. Gaya na lang nung napadaan ako sa may fishball stand sa may EEE, kumain ako at naantala tuloy ang paglalakad ko. Marami tayong makasasalubong na ganito sa buhay, nakakatempt kasi parang masarap, pero ispin natin kung ano ang purpose natin sa ating ginagawa. What glorifies God more? Would you exchange the joy ang pleasure that God has in store for you with the short time pleasure that satan offers you? Hey, remember that God has a great plan for your life, and that plan will make prosper and not to harm you(I forgot the verse). In Jesus you will find peace and I believe in it…dahil sa maikling oras na iyon, sa kabila ng ingay ng mga sasakyan, i felt peace came into my soul.

    Noong nasa teletubbies walk na ako (paliko-liko ang daan), naisip ko na kahit paliko-liko na ang daang ating tinatahak na parang hindi mo na alam kung saan ka papunta, magtiwala ka lang  sa Kanya. Coz as long as kasama mo Siya, hinding-hindi ka maliligaw. PROVERB 3: 5-7. Lalo pang nag-paganda ng pangyayaring iyon ang hanging dumadampi sa aking katawan…parang sinasabi ni Lord na tama ang mga narinig ko. I also realized that life is not a race! Appreciate every little step you make. Life is not just about the destination…it’s ALSO about the journey(cars). Walk Slowly. Makakarating ka rin sa pupuntahan mo. There’s a right time for everything and remember that everything is beautiful in it’s own time.

    At sa katapusan nga noon, nakarating rin ako sa patutunguhan ko at ang gaan-gaan ng pakiramdam ko. I sdtarted to do my quiet time and when the class started, I can’t stop myself to look outside the windows to see God’s creations..lalo na yung sky, kaya nga fave ko ang blue and white e.

    I always wanted to hear what God wants to say to me…gusto ko siyang marinig. Later ko na na-realize na nung oras na iyon, God is already talking to me.^^…THANK YOU!

what if….

- hindi ako nagkulong sa kuwarto ko nung bata pa ako at nanonood lang ng tv araw-araw…siguro mas na-enjoy ko buhay ko…napuntahan ko siguro yung mga lugar sa amin na hindi ko pa rin napuntahan ngayon (dayuhan nga pala ako sa bayan kong kinalakihan!)

- hindi ako nagkasakit nung nag-take ako ng upcat…pumasa kaya ako? cguro iba course ko ngayon…kung ganun nga…makikilala ko kaya kayo?…

- hindi na lang ako lumipat ng UP, at nag bs chem na lang ako sa dati kong skul…cguro graduate na ako next year, at kung suswertihin with honors pa siguro..(siguro lang!)…kung ganun nga..ignorante pa rin siguro ako kung ano ang manila…hah! ang pangit dito! grabe polusyon!

- what if hindi nangyari yung bagay na nagawa ko na pinagsisisihan ko pa rin ngayon…magagawa ko rin kaya yun ulit?

- ano kaya kung hindi ako pinanganak dito sa mundo..naging alien kaya ako (if they do exist) ?

what if…whaaaaa…tama na!…nangyari na ang dapat mangyari at wala na ako magagawa dun…gaya nga ng sinabi ko sa first blog ko (na binura ko na), everything has a reason…God has a purpose…kaya tama na ang pagsisisi. what matters is the present at kung ano gagawin nyo sa future… ikaw? may pinagsisisihan ka na ba? siguro naman noh..ako parati ! every after exams! wahahaha…kaya bago mahuli ang lahat gawin mo na ang dapat mong gawin…baka magsisisi ka sa huli…at isa ka na sa mga taong nagsasabi ng…

what if…?

tapos , magsasabi ng….

sayang…=)

I hate lying but I do lie…even to myself. I think most people lie. Whether they inten it or not; no matter how big or small the lie would be; or whatever the reason there is…its still a lie.

White lies, a case where one makes a lie in order to protect someone. Hiding the truth so no one would get hurt. But sometimes, white lies do hurt, especially when you had the wrong judgment about the situation or about the subject matter. If so, the one we wish to protect were hurt more because of white lies. Then I could say its not white lies anymore..maybe its a violet lie or  brown lie…hehe

If there’s a white lie…would there be a "black truth"?!? Have you heard of any? Don’t know if there is…but as far as I know I made it up myself here. "Black truth", i should say this is the case where one tells the whole truth…but with a wrong intention. ooohhh!
For example, you told your seat mate she’s ugly not because its the truth, but because you want to hurt her. Another example would be, you told your teacher that your classmate cheats, not because its the right thing to do, but because your jealous or your angry at him…weird examples! hehe! So that’s "black truth"…a truth with hidden dark agenda.

Wanna leave comments on my blogs?!?  well it’s up to you whether your going to make white lies or "black truth"…or just plain colorless comments^^…thanks anyway…i love comments…nicha! weeeee QQQ(^^,Q)

i know I’m not good with english…